After much thought... (Part 3: College- Is it for me?)
This post is not intended to advise others in any choices they may make, nor is it directed at any one of my friends who may have shared their thoughts or feelings with me- Yes, there were a few of you out there. ;) The post is in fact intended to perhaps serve as an encouragement to others, and give me a place to rant my head off about my issues, and how I feel, whether it be confused, convinced, or something in-between.
College- to me, the word that was once nothing more than a faint, distant shadow, is now a looming and irritating noun. To truly understand my situation and feelings, you'd have to know a bit more about my life- the things that mean a lot to me, and the history behind most of it.
To begin with, I will say that I am torn, constantly, and that while I may know the right path to take, I still, in my mind, toy with the idea of the other path that isn't the 'right' path. Why? I don't know- unless it is my inability to keep my mind from straying to what 'could be'.
My story on this subject begins back a few years now. I graduated high-school when I was fifteen, ahead of most of those my age, and had exceptional grades in all subjects. I do not relate this story in order to boast (My close friends know that, I'm sure,) but only in order to explain my situation. I know that a scholarship would have easily been obtained, had I pursued it, but I was very much interested in my writing at that time, and I did not think much about college.
My Grandmother had been a public school teacher, and had never really approved of my parent's home-schooling my brothers and myself- she had always made it clear what she hoped for my college education, even when I was a small girl. She and I had a relationship unlike any other- I was her beloved little girl, her namesake, her princess, kitten, etc. I loved to please her, and while in my younger years, with my great dislike of study, I struggled to please her as much as I should have liked, and we locked horns on more than one occasion in various subjects, (we both shared a case of stubbornness) I know that I did please her, just by being myself. That was always her final rule: Be yourself.
I am sure that my stubborn nature had something to do with my decision to put off talking about and deciding about college- But when my grandmother died, I felt a great burden to do what I had inadvertently decided against. I don't know why, and I will not attempt to psychoanalyze myself- but I know that my feelings changed.
I've always had a great love of history, handed down from the years of stories and talks with my Grandmother, who as a teacher had studied, and traveled extensively- I love Egypt, and studied everything I could in school about various countries histories... I thought it would be wonderful (an idea mostly given by my Grandmother, and very likely encouraged by too much Indiana Jones, and The Mummy,) to be an Archaeologist and Historian. Of course, you can't be an Archaeologist and Historian with out a Ph.D right?
I'd love to be able to have the experience of being my own person, looking after myself, and doing my own thing- I love to be the center of attention, and I love to make new friends- I am able to be a social butterfly and a total reject by turns... depending on my mood. College sounded both fun, and looked to be a means of my achieving one of my many goals! But I can't truly reconcile myself to that. It would be fun, interesting, wonderful to pursue my interests, and quench my thirst for that kind of learning. But would it be right? I thought long and hard. It didn't help. So I began to pray... and I'm still praying.
To be truthful, I have never thought of college as something girls should do, I was rather convinced that it was almost sinful- how things change when it's yourself. Yes, it's true, I can be a hypocrite. I don't like being a hypocrite, so I am attempting to reckon with myself and decide once and for all what is right. I wonder though if I am letting my 'feelings' rule over what I 'know' is right.
I want to see the world, travel, and know everything there is to know about everything- I also want a Godly marriage, and a whole army of children. For a long time I questioned which one I would allow myself, then I questioned if I could have both, - I wondered why God would make me choose, and why He would give me such gifts if He didn't wish me to use them! But while discussing this with one of my many advisers, I read these verses:
Ecclesiastes 12:11-14 The words of the wise are as goads, and as nails fastened by the masters of assemblies, which are given from one shepherd. And further, by these, my son, be admonished: of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh. Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.We are to give our wills over to God. It makes sense doesn't it? I had never thought of it that way before, but when I read these verses, it changed the way I looked at my wishes, and what I was trying to 'do' for God. He called us to serve Him, and do His will. Not serve him by doing our will. If it is His will that you get a college education, then that is between you and Him, and He will open the door for you to gain that education.
I know however, through much prayer, that it is not His will for me to attend college to gain a degree in order to be a real Archaeologist. I am a rebel though, to most conventions- I feel that you can gain an education through self-teaching, more than though a conventional school. That's what our home-schooling parents believed, isn't it? Does that standard change for following further with a 'college' quality education? Those are perhaps questions that will encourage others who are struggling with the same questions that I am struggling with.
Knowing that God's will, isn't my will doesn't make me happy- I am not hopping with jubilant exuberance. It's not pleasant to know that what I want for myself, isn't best. I still want it. I still wish I could do what I like. Sometimes I even wish I didn't have the Holy Spirit to tell me when I'm wrong... then I could do as I please and make myself happy. Then the Holy Spirit pricks me, and I realize once again, the fact that we, as mortals, so often forget. This world, is not 'forever'- What we do here, we do for our Creator, we should not seek to please our flesh, even if it is through study and knowledge, and seemingly good things. MY whole duty is to fear God, and keep his commandments. It's simple to me, while not always a joy- It's my job to make it a joy. It's not fun to have your pride and will broken by God... but that is what has happened to me.
I do know that God's will for me IS best... His love for me outshines all other affection. He is my most beloved friend, my comforter, and my Lord. He will never harm me, and He will never turn his face from me. Someone said something like this once, (I am paraphrasing here) "If you wonder why God is walking away from you, look to your own path, because it's not up to God to walk with us, but for us to walk with God."
I always imagined that the man who looked to his own path, and found that it wound away from God's, looked to God, and found Him beckoning to him to turn, and catch up. God's love is unending, and He is supposed to be our best friend, and our master- what is amazing to me, is that He can be both.
I got off on a lovely tangent there, but I will continue on the first subject:
Obviously I have made my decisions clear at this point. It does not change how I love my friends who don't choose the same. I will love all of my friends equally much, no matter what choices they make... even if at some point in some situations I feel they may have been mistakes.
I feel that my calling is to use my God-given talents as He sees fit. I will write, I will draw, I will study some, and enjoy it immensely- I will read His word, and seek His face in all things. I will wait for my 'Issac' and believe me, I will be watering every camel I see... :P
While I may joke about it, I believe that preparing for marriage, and raising children is a never ending education! You don't need a college degree to be a wife and mother, but you do need a close relationship with your Creator. That is what I must turn myself to- to seek Him in all things. To give my will to God, and take His will as my motto, and follow Him in all things.
I'm not sure if this will serve as any help to anyone else- It wasn't really intended to- other than to be an encouragement to others who are feeling alone in their struggles with this choice. I am not an ideal example of anything, other than being a complete hypocrite, double talker, and of a very changeable mind, but I pray that I will become more what God wants me to be, no matter the cost to my own wishes.
With much prayer, and equally much love,
